Stinky Kid

PSU has a program called University Studies, which all students are required to take in order to graduate. Instead of taking various electives in whatever department you desire, the University Studies program allows you to take “University Studies” courses in a chosen topic across several university departments. Topics include: African Studies, American Studies, Asian Studies, Medieval Studies, Morality, Popular Culture, Sexualities, Women’s Studies, and many more studies of things. The problem? What about Loser, Spaz, Introvert, Sociopath, Mad Scientist,  and Live Action Role-Playing (LARP) Studies? Medieval Studies is the only topic that even comes close.

This biased topic selection seems to favor things that normal people do. This just helps normal people and un-norms alike become more normal. However, it leaves out some important and potentially life-saving lessons that can only be explored in the above mentioned contexts. I would hate to see the day that a PSU Business alumni who concentrated their University Studies on Sexualities is thrust into the middle of a fantasy battle, a goblin at the ready with a +5 scimitar. No amount of heavy petting will disuade that goblin from annihilating its opponent and taking their (perceived) drawstring bag of gold.

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything on this site. Today, that changes NOW!

I am posting a post right now, and so, you see, there is new content now.

Turns out that between about ‘83 and ‘92 Hollywood studios ran a Conan stage show. I imagine there was a bit of something for everyone rolled into this ’spectacular’. Grizzled wizards, chicks in fur bras and boots, and humongous thighed warriors squeezed into loincloths/leather body armor.  I like to imagine the bald guy on the right doing stage rolls and fighting the huge plastic snake beast (dragon?) while the wizard preformed wierd incantations and the thief (one of them must be a thief right?) stuffed his/her pockets with riches beyond compare.  Sigh. Sometimes I think I belong in a different time.

Stinkologist Tom Faroogman has been tirelessly working over the past several years finding evidence to prove his theory which states “if a person deals a fart he will enjoy it’s smell, sound, and rank atmosphere.”

The evidence was not hard to obtain, yet took many years of testing to obtain accurate results.  The testing placed a sample of 200 Stinkykids and 200 Norms in isolated rooms with nothing but a family sized bag of Funyuns and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew, and for dinner a burrito.  A questionnaire was given to all subjects to aide in determining their reaction to  fart stimuli.  Subjects were encouraged to answer honestly and were connected to lie detectors for further confirmation.  After years of difficult work an answer to the question had risen: as Tom says, “Farts are indeed enjoyed, much enjoyed.  Stinky’s have a tendency to admit that readily and question the necessity or point of the testing, while Norms were quite surprised by the counter-intuitive results.  Norms find that since others do not enjoy their farts that neither should they; flawed logic I say.”

Faroogman goes on to say, “many think that farts are funny, but mostly Stinkykids.  The evidence whether farts are enjoyable to your senses is far more illusive.  The question had not even come up before I posed it, it was merely an urban myth, only true by faith.  No one dared questioned, they would be an outcast amongst outcasts.”  Faroogman had been told as a child that scientists had proven that everyone enjoys the smell of their own farts.  He knew that he agreed with this statement, but was unsure it’s universal truth.  Tom began to notice a pattern of people being ashamed of their flatulence, as though it were a burden instead of a gift.  The knowledge that scientists had not proved the enjoyability of farts came at the start of his college days, and enraged him.  He decided to prove what he knew to be true at any cost, even if it took the rest of his life.  His knowing was not enough, he wanted to take the worlds nose and rub it into the carpet soaked with it’s own fart smell and make it admit it had been wrong.

Having solved this mystery Faroogman is not satisfied, “I would like to solve the holy grail of flatulent queries, namely, are farts themselves funny?”  He plans to begin preliminary investigations into this matter within a short while.  Until then he plans to, as he says,  “open a bag of Funyuns, kick back in my La-Z-Boy, and enjoy a nice quiet vacation, just me and my farts.”

This author thinks that whether farts are proven funny or not, they are enjoyable and a special part of all of our lives everyday.  I say, love your farts, they’re so stinkin’ good.

It seems that the “Norms” are finally wising up to something that we Stinkies have known for centuries, and although a public apology has not yet been heard for the years of judgment and “Ewww”-ing, we are sure that one is forthcoming.

According to Austrian lung specialist Dr. Friedrich Bischinger, picking your nose and eating what you find is one of the best (and most inexpensive) ways of staying healthy. The doc goes on to say that people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthier, happier and probably better in-tune with their bodies. “With the finger you can get to places you just can’t reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner,” adds Dr. Bischinger.

“Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine. Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free.  I would recommend a new approach where children are encouraged to pick their nose. It is a completely natural response and medically a good idea as well.”

Top Stinkologist Josh Greenboog predicts a 1.2% increase in booger eaters in the next 5 years, making this a great day for Stinky Kids everywhere, and ensuring a brighter future for our Stinky Children.   Said Greenboog, “This is something that has been known in the Stinky Science community for  a long time, and we have been trying to convince these assholes for years!  While of course we are glad that the Norm public is now aware of this important health issue, it kinda pisses us off, that they didn’t listen to us and are now taking credit for this  groundbreaking research.   However, I have to wonder about this Dr.  Bischinger.  With all this talk of boogers being easier to reach with the finger, we here at Stink Tech are wondering if he isn’t an Austrian ‘Closet Wafter’, that is to say, a Stinky Kid who has not yet revealed himself to the public.  This method of being taken seriously by the Norm’s medical community has been largely scoffed at by Stinky Scientists.”

In the meantime, we are glad that the news is out, to all communities, and hope that this breakthrough will be taken seriously by the Norms and the Non-Pick Stinkies alike.

These fellows are Stinky from way back originating in Susquehanna, PA, with some Stinkticians dating their establishment back as far as 1993. Learn more about their rowdy motorcycle riding and other regrettably non-stinky pastimes at Stinkyboys.org

It has just come to the attention of this stinkporter that a great injustice is being done in the area of Houston, Texas. Wait, no, it was done several years ago, but still! The leaders of that far too fair city have passed regulations stating that ‘patrons with offensive bodily hygiene that constitutes a nuisance to others will not be allowed inside the library.’ What? Seriously? First you alienate us, then you stop making acid washed jeans in an obvious attempt to control our numbers by inhibiting our mating habits, and now we can’t even use the libary! This shall not stand! There will be rioting in the streets! Or there would be if Houston hadn’t already tightened the noose on stinky freedoms! I reserve the right to have offensive body odor and to be a nuisance to whomever I please!

FREEEEEDDDDOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

This is the first in a series of articles relating the stories of some great Stinks of our time, and how they fell from grace.

We will begin this series with the story of one who’s mighty refrain is heard no more, except I think still on some channels in the 3:00-5:00 pm slot. The call of this mega stink that was heard on TGIF around the world, “Did I do that?” The call of Steven ‘Steve’ Quincy Urkel. Yes, Urkel was a hero to us all. Unabashedly wearing suspenders and inventing useless crap, he helped to pave the way for many stinkies who were and are to follow. After Family Matters, Urkel played another character known well to stinkies, namely Sonic the Hedgehog. However, after these major roles, and some similarly stinky smaller roles, Urkel seemed to have a change of heart. In what some stinkies consider the greatest betrayal of our time, Urkel changed his name to Jaleel White (clearly not a real name) and began to seek non-stinky roles. The reason for this turn is hotly debated, but the most popular theory to date is that he just really wanted to get with Laura Winslow, and apparently Stephan Urquell wasn’t stinkless enough for her. I think we all wish that he’d stuck it out with Myra. After making the switch, Urkel seems to not have been able to attract any significant roles, and perhaps the most notable of these are “Who Made the Potatoe Salad?” and “Kissing Cousins,” which top stinkogropher Joey Wilson says, “Sound like really crappy movies.”

We’re not sure where he’s going with this, but it had better be good.

According to our data farts could or could not be funny. The latest results indicate that 50% think that farts are funny and 50% stand by a fart-unfunny way of thinking. You need to make the difference. Please vote in the poll, let the world know if farts are funny or outdated.

Conclusive proof has been established that farts are indeed funny. It seems that 66.66% of poll respondants agree that indeed, farts are funny, leaving 33.33% in the absolute wrong. It looks like comedians have a new focal point for their acts if they get in the game soon.

Although, it must be pointed out that 100% of the respondants were stinky kids, and people who associate with each other somewhat regularly, so the results are far from randomized. Still though, conclusive proof.