It seems that the “Norms” are finally wising up to something that we Stinkies have known for centuries, and although a public apology has not yet been heard for the years of judgment and “Ewww”-ing, we are sure that one is forthcoming.
According to Austrian lung specialist Dr. Friedrich Bischinger, picking your nose and eating what you find is one of the best (and most inexpensive) ways of staying healthy. The doc goes on to say that people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthier, happier and probably better in-tune with their bodies. “With the finger you can get to places you just can’t reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner,” adds Dr. Bischinger.
“Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine. Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free. I would recommend a new approach where children are encouraged to pick their nose. It is a completely natural response and medically a good idea as well.”
Top Stinkologist Josh Greenboog predicts a 1.2% increase in booger eaters in the next 5 years, making this a great day for Stinky Kids everywhere, and ensuring a brighter future for our Stinky Children. Said Greenboog, “This is something that has been known in the Stinky Science community for a long time, and we have been trying to convince these assholes for years! While of course we are glad that the Norm public is now aware of this important health issue, it kinda pisses us off, that they didn’t listen to us and are now taking credit for this groundbreaking research. However, I have to wonder about this Dr. Bischinger. With all this talk of boogers being easier to reach with the finger, we here at Stink Tech are wondering if he isn’t an Austrian ‘Closet Wafter’, that is to say, a Stinky Kid who has not yet revealed himself to the public. This method of being taken seriously by the Norm’s medical community has been largely scoffed at by Stinky Scientists.”
In the meantime, we are glad that the news is out, to all communities, and hope that this breakthrough will be taken seriously by the Norms and the Non-Pick Stinkies alike.
These fellows are Stinky from way back originating in Susquehanna, PA, with some Stinkticians dating their establishment back as far as 1993. Learn more about their rowdy motorcycle riding and other regrettably non-stinky pastimes at Stinkyboys.org
It has just come to the attention of this stinkporter that a great injustice is being done in the area of Houston, Texas. Wait, no, it was done several years ago, but still! The leaders of that far too fair city have passed regulations stating that ‘patrons with offensive bodily hygiene that constitutes a nuisance to others will not be allowed inside the library.’ What? Seriously? First you alienate us, then you stop making acid washed jeans in an obvious attempt to control our numbers by inhibiting our mating habits, and now we can’t even use the libary! This shall not stand! There will be rioting in the streets! Or there would be if Houston hadn’t already tightened the noose on stinky freedoms! I reserve the right to have offensive body odor and to be a nuisance to whomever I please!
FREEEEEDDDDOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!
This is the first in a series of articles relating the stories of some great Stinks of our time, and how they fell from grace.
We will begin this series with the story of one who’s mighty refrain is heard no more, except I think still on some channels in the 3:00-5:00 pm slot. The call of this mega stink that was heard on TGIF around the world, “Did I do that?” The call of Steven ‘Steve’ Quincy Urkel. Yes, Urkel was a hero to us all. Unabashedly wearing suspenders and inventing useless crap, he helped to pave the way for many stinkies who were and are to follow. After Family Matters, Urkel played another character known well to stinkies, namely Sonic the Hedgehog. However, after these major roles, and some similarly stinky smaller roles, Urkel seemed to have a change of heart. In what some stinkies consider the greatest betrayal of our time, Urkel changed his name to Jaleel White (clearly not a real name) and began to seek non-stinky roles. The reason for this turn is hotly debated, but the most popular theory to date is that he just really wanted to get with Laura Winslow, and apparently Stephan Urquell wasn’t stinkless enough for her. I think we all wish that he’d stuck it out with Myra. After making the switch, Urkel seems to not have been able to attract any significant roles, and perhaps the most notable of these are “Who Made the Potatoe Salad?” and “Kissing Cousins,” which top stinkogropher Joey Wilson says, “Sound like really crappy movies.”
We’re not sure where he’s going with this, but it had better be good.
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